Living Each Day

For many people, family and close friends are the most important sources of emotional support.

As one man said:

" My wife and friends who love me are like a circle. They form a protective shield around me. I don't know what I'd do without them."

Those who are close to you need understanding as much as you do. It may be helpful to try to consider how they feel and what they can and can't do. Your loved ones may need time, just as you do, to adjust to your illness and to their feelings of confusion, shock, helplessness, or anger. Letting family and friends know that you want them close and that you need their support will help them cope with these difficult emotions. For many patients and their families, sharing feelings and taking the time to say goodbye provide reassurance and comfort. Don't hesitate to ask your nurse, social worker, clergy, or counselor to help bring together family members to talk and listen.

 

How Young and Teenage Children May React

Children whose parent, grandparent, brother, or sister has cancer almost always are aware of a change in their lives. Even very young children sense when something is wrong. They may be frightened by the changes in their daily routine or become angry when someone they depend on is seriously ill. They may worry that they might have caused the illness. It is important to reassure children that nothing they said, did, or thought caused the cancer and that someone will be there to take care of them.

Because of these possible reactions, it is best to be honest and encourage communication. Let your children or grandchildren know that it's okay to ask questions and that you will answer them as honestly and as thoroughly as you can. Tell children as much as you think they can understand.

Keep in mind that many young people understand more than we can imagine. In fact, children who are not told the truth about an illness in the family often depend on their imagination and fears to explain the changes around them. For example, they may believe that the family member's cancer is punishment for something they have said or done. As a result, they may feel unnecessary anxiety and guilt. Health professionals generally agree that telling children the truth about an illness reduces stress and guilt. If you find it difficult to talk with your children or explain your illness, you might want to ask a close friend, relative, or health care provider for help.

Children need to know that they are still loved and important and that they will continue to be cared for as before. Perhaps a friend can give some time and attention to a child who needs comforting, affection, and guidance. Choose someone the child likes and suggest that he or she help with a special project or attend an important school event if you cannot; ask a friend or family member to videotape your child's performance and then view it with your child when you can enjoy the time together.

Taking the time to listen to a child's triumphs, problems, and fears is important. This holds true for adolescents as well as for younger children. Teenagers are sometimes expected to assume responsibilities beyond their maturity. Try to give them the independence they need, but also be sure to include them as valued family members.

Your doctor or social worker can guide you to an appropriate counselor if you think outside assistance would be helpful. Local hospice counselors also are a good source for helping family members cope.

 

How Adult Children May React

The potential loss of a parent may change how adult children feel about themselves, may raise questions and fears concerning their own mortality, and may affect their views of what is important in life. Adult children also may be torn by the multiple demands in their lives: roles as parents, children, and professionals. They can experience feelings of guilt about the limited time they are able to spend with you.

Throughout your illness, you and your children may have some of the same emotional reactions. Some of these reactions are shock and depression at the diagnosis; hope that treatment will work; disappointment, frustration, anger, and fear when treatment does not work; and grief associated with the changes and losses that have occurred as a result of the cancer.

As your illness progresses, it will be helpful to share decision-making tasks with your children. Try to involve them in issues that are important to you, such as what type of treatment, if any, you prefer or what types of activities you would like to continue. Sharing these tasks with your children can minimize conflict and fears that may arise between siblings when other important decisions need to be made.

Your ability to reach out to your children and openly share your feelings, goals, and wishes will help them through this time. It also will allow them to feel that they have contributed positively to making this part of your lives together the best possible. It may help to remember that just as parents want the best for their children, children want the best for their parents. Children want to see that their parents' needs are met in the most compassionate and effective way possible; no child wants to see a parent suffer.

Partners Communication is a two-way street between you and your partner. Being honest about your emotions can help you draw support from each other. Loving words, hugs, and kisses can bring a sense of comfort and closeness. Be realistic about demands on your partner, who also may be having a difficult time. Your partner may feel guilty about your illness and any time spent away from you. Another source of stress for a partner is their changing role in the family. For example, your partner may need to tackle new duties, such as paying bills or providing childcare.

Talking things over is especially important if you have been separated by hospitalization for long periods of time. Sometimes in the absence of their partners, patients begin to draw support from, and relate more personally to, members of their health care team. Partners may have a hard time adjusting to this if they sense they no longer are participating in your care. Your partner also must take time to meet his or her own needs. If these needs are neglected, your partner will have less energy, cheer, and support to give. Try to have other relatives or friends stay with you while your partner attends to the details of daily life. Some time away from each other will refresh both of you. You must remember that you didn't spend 24 hours a day together before your illness. Try, as much as possible, to maintain your relationship in the same way that you did before.

 

Intimacy

You may find yourself unable to express yourself sexually as you did before because of physical changes and emotional concerns. However, this does not mean that you must deny needs and desires for intimacy. There are many ways to show love and find satisfaction.

Open, honest communication is the key. Re-examining your attitudes about intimacy will help you and your partner maintain the closeness, warmth, and sense of belonging fostered in a loving relationship. Physical satisfaction can be found in a variety of ways, such as touching, kissing, stroking, and holding.

Sexual problems may stem from feelings about your medical condition or treatment as well as from the condition or treatment itself. With patience and communication between partners, many of these problems can be solved. Understanding why sexual activity may not be the same as before can prevent unrealistic expectations and relieve feelings of self-consciousness or anxiety. Don't be afraid to seek help or advice. You are entitled to all the information you need or want. You may wish to seek counseling from a professional who specializes in addressing sexuality issues. Your doctor, social worker, or other caregivers also may be able to offer some guidance.

Or they may be able to suggest books that deal with sexuality or that offer cancer patients specific information on this subject.

 

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